Jack-o-Lanterns Form Union:

Decry Post-Halloween Violence

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In an unprecedented move this Halloween season, the global alliance of jack-o-lanterns has come together, announcing the formation of a union, dubbed "United Gourds International" (UGI), to address the traumatic epidemic of pumpkin smashing.

Jasper, a three-week-old jack-o-lantern from Salem, Massachusetts, and the newly elected president of UGI, organized a candle-lit vigil – quite literally, as he had a candle flickering inside him – to address this growing concern. "We proudly light up your porches, diligently guard your candy stashes, and embody the true spirit of Halloween. Yet, our reward? A brutal smashing that sends us prematurely to the compost heap!"

Members of the union passionately argue that the abuse they face has skyrocketed over the years, with mischievous teenagers seeing pumpkin smashing as an exciting challenge. Petunia, a dainty pumpkin from Idaho with heart-shaped eyes, lamented, "It used to be about the tricks, treats, and frightful feasts. Now, it seems the new metric of fun is 'how many defenseless pumpkins can you annihilate in one night.'"

To reinforce their claim, the UGI's research department unveiled data showcasing a concerning spike in pumpkin cruelty, particularly between the hours of 11 PM and 2 AM. This has led many to believe that it's not the young witches or goblins at fault but rebellious teenagers extending their Halloween festivities.

Lenny, a rotund pumpkin from New Jersey with intricate carvings, shared a harrowing account: "I've witnessed my brethren fall victim to senseless violence. Many of us have helplessly watched our carved kin brutally attacked by bat-wielding hoodlums."

Hoping for change, the union has begun lobbying for a "Pumpkin Protection Act." The proposed legislation would ensure a dignified retirement for jack-o-lanterns, preferably transformed into pie, soup, or a hearty loaf of bread. "We're simply asking for a respectful end," said Lenny, "and not the disgrace of a sidewalk splatter."

Local law enforcement agencies are echoing these sentiments. Sheriff P. Nutt stated, "It's a concerning trend. These pumpkins desire only to light up our nights with glee. They shouldn’t have to fear the dawn."

In anticipation of Halloween night, the UGI is coordinating a series of peaceful demonstrations. They're imploring homeowners to safeguard their jack-o-lanterns by bringing them indoors after dusk. Their campaign, complete with a catchy slogan, is gaining traction: "Protect your pump, don’t let it take a thump."

Only time will reveal the effectiveness of the UGI's efforts. But for now, the hope is that this Halloween, the world will treat jack-o-lanterns with the reverence they deserve, ensuring they shine brightly, free from fear.

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