95% of People Believe They're Special:

Remaining 5% Too Special to Decide, “Special Elites" grapple with the weight of potentially being just average.

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A recent survey by The Confederation of Questionable Statistics (CQS) has unveiled that a whopping 95% of people firmly believe they are the embodiment of uniqueness, leaving the actual unique individuals in a contemplative quandary.

Mariah Ordinary, a spokesperson for CQS, remarked with astonishment, "It's undeniable now. Everyone's convinced they're the main character, the singular spark in the vast cosmic story. The other 5%, the genuinely distinctive ones? They're grappling with their own reflections."

Drilling down into the survey results, a fascinating trend emerged: a large portion of the self-declared "unique" respondents provided eerily identical answers. The question "Describe what makes you stand out in a crowd" received thousands of the exact response: "I'm just different." Another query, "What's the quirkiest thing about you?" was overwhelmingly answered with "I love pizza and Netflix" – revelations that have led many to question the depth of their distinctiveness.

Dr. Neal Down-To-Earth, an expert in human ego studies, suggests this might be an outcome of the participation trophy culture combined with social echo chambers. "If everyone is continually told they're special and they're constantly surrounded by similar voices, then they may start echoing the same brand of 'uniqueness'. It's like claiming individuality because you breathe air and occasionally drink water."

Yet, it's the remaining 5% that truly intrigue the experts. This group, named the "Special Elites," is made up of individuals who possess genuinely extraordinary qualities. Jane Genius, a member of Mensa with an IQ that challenges rocket trajectories, expressed her confusion, "Am I actually unique? I've written symphonies in my sleep, but then again, Bob from accounting thinks his ability to clap with one hand is revolutionary."

Ivan Issues, a therapist specializing in unique identity crises, has seen a rise in Special Elites seeking therapy. "They're going through a lot. Some are questioning if their groundbreaking scientific theories are any more special than someone's proclaimed 'knack' for finding matching socks."

However, the broad populace remains blissfully unshaken. AIrony News spoke to Bob Bland, an average man whose most extraordinary feat is arranging garden gnomes in an emotional spectrum. With unwavering confidence, Bob asserted, "I'm special, no doubt. I have this uncanny ability to, you know, see things and hear stuff. Not everyone can do that, right?"

As the globe wrestles with this surge in uniform uniqueness, some experts ponder the essence of individuality. After all, in the philosophical musings of Dr. Down-To-Earth, "Isn't the very act of pondering one's specialness a unique trait? Or perhaps that's just what everyone thinks."

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