Man Watches Half of a YouTube Investing Video:

Mar 18

Immediately Becomes Financial Guru

Local man Dan Felters, 32, is ready to retire early after watching half of a 10-minute YouTube video titled “The Secrets of Passive Income.” Sources close to Felters confirm he paused the video at the five-minute mark to open a high-yield savings account, buy three shares of an unknown cryptocurrency, and briefly consider investing in a vending machine business.

“I never realized financial freedom was this simple,” said Felters, who learned everything he knows about compound interest from an animated infographic featuring a cartoon piggy bank in sunglasses. “Rich people don’t want you to know about this stuff, but luckily, a guy with 43 subscribers broke it all down for me.”

Felters, who up until yesterday thought an IRA was a brand of granola, now spends his time quoting Warren Buffett and explaining the importance of “diversifying one’s portfolio” to his dog. He’s also begun referring to himself as a “serial entrepreneur,” despite not having started a single business, aside from briefly considering reselling free Amazon returns.

Experts say his journey follows a classic pattern known as the “Ten-Minute Investment Cycle.” This includes the initial discovery phase (“Wait, anyone can do this?”), the overconfidence stage (“Why doesn’t everyone just buy low and sell high?”), and the inevitable overextension phase, where Felters, after another three-minute video, briefly considered flipping houses despite not owning one.

Friends report that Felters has started dropping phrases like “assets over liabilities” into casual conversation, though he recently admitted he’s not entirely sure what an asset is. “But that’s the thing about investing,” he explained confidently. “You just have to start.”

Felters has since set up an Instagram page called @WealthWithDan, where he posts stock market advice consisting mostly of screenshots from Google and photos of himself looking thoughtfully at a laptop. He also recently launched a podcast, though the first episode is just him repeating “generational wealth” while lo-fi beats play in the background.

As of press time, Felters was last seen refreshing his brokerage app in confusion after his “can’t-lose” cryptocurrency investment dropped 85% overnight. He remains confident, however, reassuring friends that it’s just a “temporary dip” and that the key to investing is patience—something he learned from the last five seconds of the video before clicking on a suggested link titled “How to Become a Millionaire in 30 Days.”