Backpacker Discovers:

Oct 13

Hiker gazing into the depths of a lush, misty forest, contemplating the wilderness.

He's More of a "5-Star Hotel" Guy Halfway Through Wilderness Trek

ROCKY MOUNTAIN NATIONAL PARK – Local adventurer, Chad Evergreen, embarked on a soul-searching 7-day backpacking trip in the Rockies, only to realize barely 48 hours in that he vastly preferred the creature comforts of a 5-star hotel to the rugged embrace of Mother Nature.

Chad's epiphany struck as he attempted to set up his tent during a light drizzle. "I was fumbling with the tent poles and I thought, 'You know, a room key is so much simpler,'" he mused.

His disillusionment began earlier that morning when he had to dig a hole for his morning business. "At the Ritz, there's always someone to hand you a mint after you wash your hands. Here, it's just me, a spade, and the hope that I buried everything deep enough."

His fellow hikers were not surprised by Chad's revelation. Sarah Martinez, who accompanied Chad on the trip, commented, "When he pulled out a battery-operated espresso machine on the first day, I had my doubts about his commitment to the whole 'one with nature' thing."

A collage showcasing the tranquility of camping: solitary tents under the stars and at twilight.

In addition to his cumbersome coffee contraption, Chad's backpack, which was roughly the size of a small vehicle, contained items such as a silk pajama set, a hardcover copy of "How to Rough It (But Not Really)," and a portable hot tub (batteries not included).

While most hikers embark on such journeys to disconnect and find inner peace, Chad found himself longing for room service, fluffy towels, and most importantly, a strong Wi-Fi signal. "I tried to download a white noise app to drown out the crickets, but there was no reception!" he lamented.

When night two arrived and a squirrel made off with his gourmet cheese platter, Chad decided he had experienced enough "wilderness charm." He promptly booked the nearest luxury resort using the last 2% battery on his phone.

In a statement from his deluxe suite, surrounded by assorted fruit baskets and a complimentary bottle of champagne, Chad shared his newfound wisdom: "Nature is breathtaking. Especially when viewed from a balcony with heated floors and a jacuzzi."

While Chad's rugged expedition might be over, his adventures continue. Sources say he's already planning his next daring escapade: a guided tour of the resort's spa facilities.